With Father’s Day not far off, I thought I might reflect upon what has been the most important, valuable and challenging job I have ever had, being a parent. To the degree that people are comfortable within their own skin, at peace with themselves and their lives, they are more likely to raise children who demonstrate similar traits. There are two ingredients that stand out in people who are at peace with themselves, achieve results that they consider important and have a positive impact on those around them: they know beyond any doubt that they are loved unconditionally and see themselves as in charge of their own destiny, able to make choices even in adversity.

I don’t know about you, and the above description is about as far from the condition I was in when I started to have children. The children’s Mom (I know it’s not supposed to be capitalized and I think it should be – in the eighth grade I didn’t think trucks carrying gasoline should say “inflammable” and they did until a class I was in complained to Webster and it has been changed) and I started having children when she was nineteen and I was twenty. Look at those numbers: 19, 20. Children having children. I was excited, in love with the idea (of children and being “in love”) and light years from ready.

It was my sophomore year in college. We both worked three jobs. I had never seen a diaper, let alone changed one. Neville, our first child, was so small (to me anyway); I think his Mother might have a different perspective. We were married seven months before the blessed arrival, shotguns ablaze. The car was used and we were grateful to have it. There was way more month then money every month. Jeanie’s parents helped out a great deal. And so we began. We read Dr. Spock, the only self-help book about this. We were sure from the outset that we would screw it up. But we were optimistic, except in quiet personal moments where we told the truth.

We were incredibly lucky. Our parents hated this situation and they were supportive anyway. You always know you’re in for a ride when the parents of the bride and groom are meeting the night before the wedding for the first time. Neither of us had been abused. There were two of us. This wasn’t a child that would not know love. It was not a child of incest or rape. It wasn’t a child that wasn’t wanted. It wasn’t a way out of the house.

Most of what I know about the process is as a function of trial and error or perhaps more accurately about error, learning, redoing and having the two biological children (and five chosen additions for a few months or a year), forgive the blunders and love me anyway. Fortunately, I had learned early on about the importance of consistency. If children don’t know that you mean what you say when you say no, they won’t know that you mean what you say when you say, “I love you!”

Ask your children a few of the following:

Ø What kind of day do you want to create?

Ø (When it’s over.) What kind of a day did you create for yourself?

Ø What did you learn today that you didn’t want to know?

Ø Did you treat everybody with loving kindness?

Ø Were you a contribution today?

Ø Are there any people in your class who don’t participate?

Ø Is it possible they could be friends?

Ø Are you doing what you do with energy and enthusiasm?

Ø What does what you do today have to do with what happens tomorrow?

And, if you are really lucky, you are reading this before you consider having children. In that case, you will be able to ponder the following quotation from Deepak Chopra:

“If you could start children right from the beginning with this thought, you’d see the effect it has on their lives. In fact, I did this with my own children. Again and again, I told them there was a reason they were here, and they had to find out what that reason was for themselves. From the age of four years, they heard this. I also taught them to meditate when they were about the same age, and I told them, ‘I never, ever want you to worry about making a living. If you’re unable to make a living when you grow up, I’ll provide for you, so don’t worry about that. I don’t want you to focus on doing well in school. I don’t want you to focus on getting the best grades or going to the best colleges. What I really want you to focus on is asking yourself how you can serve humanity, and asking yourself what your unique talents are. Because you have a unique talent that no one else has, and you have a special way of expressing that talent, and no one else has it.’ They ended up going to the best schools, getting the best grades, and even in college, they are unique in that they are financially self-sufficient, because they are focused on what they are here to give.”

Unfortunately, it wouldn’t have been until I was fifty-something that I even discovered this quote, let alone develop the equanimity described. My experience is that being conscious of the fact that each child is potentially the next Mother Therese or Mahatma Gandhi is really important. Be good to yourself. Take time to be a family. Have dinner together. Do what your gut tells you is right. Be consistent and perhaps most importantly, don’t take anyone’s advice. Listen to many, explore, consider and make the decisions in your heart.

What works for others may not work for you. Consistency is not about a conservative or liberal approach. It is about being consistent. Involve the children in your passion and ask them about theirs. If you are talking with your children about important things, don’t take phone calls. If you talk to your children from ages birth to twelve, they will talk to you when they are teenagers. There is nothing terrible about being two and what will go on is the consistent search to find out now, at age 2, and 3 and 4 and I think you get the picture, “Who is the trainer and who the trainee?”

Most of all, love them completely and tell them that love has nothing to do with how they behave or what they achieve. Never live out of their success. A dear friend of mine who became President of a good-sized regional bank used to tell his employees that unless God called and it was an emergency, he was not to be bothered when he was with his children at their activities.

Make yourselves magical relationships.