“We must be the change we wish to see.”

Mahatma Gandhi

There is one thing more important than anything else in maintaining a sense of what is important in the world, being awake, present and coming from a place of loving-kindness: self-care, the process of tending to our own well-being.

There is nothing like the sound of the open ocean crashing against the rocky coast of Maine. Listen for a minute and you will hear the rhythm, the pace of the seawater as it hits the shore. Day in and day out that water comes in and goes out, in cycles as regular as anything on Earth. Two high tides and two low tides each day, predictable years in advance. At anything but the highest of tides, you can see the tidal marks of the water at last high tide. There is something so regular, powerful, and beautiful about it, that in this one place, I sense the entire ordering of the universe, the incredible gift we have been given – life – it is impossible to miss in this place. Almost anything can be going wrong, crisis upon crisis and in this place by the ocean, I am, in the midst of chaos, at peace. I feel connected to all things. I become at peace with all people because I know in my heart the temporal nature of our existence on this planet.

If I have painted well, you will sense that this is a magical place for me. One that without effort or energy creates calm and an over-riding experience of loving-kindness. The problem is that I don’t live by the ocean. I live about forty-five minutes inland up the Kennebec River in Litchfield. It is beautiful; rolling hills, still many working farms and definitely rural. There are two blinking lights in town. Sometimes I am in Chicago or Newark or New York, long distances from my instant tranquility machine. In those moments, I have learned that I must be able to recreate the ingredients of this experience by the ocean in order to be as focused and useful as possible in the world.

It may be that for you the place which creates these special feelings of oneness with the world and tranquility of the soul has nothing to do with the ocean. For you, it may be a particularly beautiful garden that you tend with all your heart. It may be a range of mountains so beautiful that it takes away your breath. It may be a glass-smooth lake, just when the fish are feeding. It may be a machine, so awesome in its detail that the majesty of human imagination is unavoidable. For each of us it will be different and for each of us there is usually a place, a magical place where peace, calm and being centered come naturally.

Over the years, I have learned ways to capture the feeling of these special places and recreate them in places that bear no resemblance to the ocean: in hotel rooms in the heart of huge cities, in distant lands or simply at a client’s site in new territory. It is my experience that there are three ingredients which comprise this special, renewing feeling of caring for the soul.

The first component is the spiritual nature of the experience. When I am at the ocean, I feel the incredible gifts I have been given: to be alive, awake and able to communicate with loving-kindness. For me this is a gift from God. So, I read the Bible. I am in my fifth version. Because I recognize that not everyone’s spiritual traditions are the same as mine, I have read the Qur’an, the original teachings of the Buddha, The Course in Miracles, The Kabbalah, the Tao, The Counting of the Omer and The Book of Mormon. While the influence of human beings is discernable in all these texts, reading other’s experiences and stories reminds me that all people throughout time have worked to understand the spiritual nature of our existence. It allows me to know that we all consider the nature of our existence. The more I am aware of this, the greater my compassion for all beings, no matter where I might meet them along the path.

The second ingredient is a sense of connectedness. When I am not at the ocean, any gift of nature, trees, plants, even a six inch square of earth will produce the experience of inter-connectedness. I have an inspiring, angel-winged begonia in my office. It is well over four feet high and four feet wide. If I look at it carefully, the growth of its leaves, the shoots that become beautiful flowers and the delicate nature of its water supply system, I am blown away. I think about the soil it grows in, the air it purifies, the water it requires. I realize that my ancestors are in that soil, part of that water. We are life, inner connected in everything we do and touch. It reminds me that there is nothing I do not impact and that I am impacted by. It reminds me that the children dying of hunger and malnutrition are my children.

The third ingredient is the process of introspection. At the ocean, the power of the experience reminds me of the power within me. Away from it, I read books that remind us through questions and inquiry about the gifts we have been given. Among my favorites are: Thich Nhat Hanh, Don Miguel Ruiz, Deepak Chopra, Marianne Williamson, Rachel Naomi Remen and James Nachtwey. Recently I finished Nelson Mandela, “In His Own Words,” an edited collection of his speeches, “Emmanuel’s Book II,” “The Choice for Love,” and Henry Grayson’s, “Mindful Loving.” I read anything recommended to me, that helps me realize that the way I am being is up to me. Through this process, I become clear about what I can do something about and that which can be released. There is tranquility in knowing the difference. All I can really do anything about is to decide how I intend to be today.

The final part of the process is simply to remind myself that I need to be gentle with myself. All I can do is the best I can do. Taking the time to get centered, to revisit what my purpose on the planet is and see if how I intend to be today will further that end creates a sense of peace. Every once in a while, during a day, I will get so wound up in the doingness of life that I forget about the gift of it. I find myself reactivated or upset about something that has nothing to do with me. When I am conscious in those moments, I realize I am stuck, I back away from what or whomever I am dealing with, take a deep breath, remind myself of the tranquility of my soul care, get centered and return to the moment, this time truly being present.

For me, in order for the re-creation to be effective, I need to set aside time before I begin the day to do this work. In this way I can frame or contextualize the day before any interactions with people. For ten days, a few years ago, I had a four-month-old guest living with me, so I had to adjust my rising and soul-care in order to be able to anticipate her internal clock and clear demands. Easy, no; possible, yes. Four children; more demanding, still possible. Other times of the day work for some people, the majority find morning returns the greatest advantage. Once you have truly mastered the space of self-care, each moment of everyday becomes a self-care moment.

Having said all that, be mindful that no one but you can determine what is the best self-care, soul-care for you. They cannot tell you what it should contain nor when it should occur. You will know that you are there when you are able to access, at least once a day, a sense of tranquility, peace and purpose that soothes your soul.

Bad Habits We’ve Come to Think of As Normal and Some Choices

Irresponsible Communication

Let’s assume we have decided to nurture what is good and strong and well in each other. One would think that having made that decision, a person would be all set. You know you are loved, you are powerful, capable and able and we are going to nurture those things. The problem is that many of us have been trained by well-intentioned people to act and react in specific ways, many of which neither nurture us or anyone around us.

Many people have been trained to complain, as well as seek to find blame and fault, all of which leads to irresponsible and ineffective communication. The majority of our communication seeks to find anyone other than us to be responsible for a situation.

“If only the government would wake up and solve the problem.” We want agencies to solve the ills of society. In order for children to grow up healthy and well, they need to be loved and nurtured in a consistent environment. We ask paid employees to care for, feed, house and educate children who were not wanted and/or not cared for. We give precious little training to those who might want to raise children. What would happen if we all decided to love one more person who was lost or abandoned?

“That’s the dumbest decision I have ever seen an administrator make. Can we talk?” The person making the decision in this case is blamed for doing the best they knew how, even though it might be wrong. What about, “I am struggling with the decision you made, can we talk?” In the second case the person with the problem actually takes responsibility for the situation without blaming the supervisor. Which employee do you want working for you? Responsible communication means I own the fact that I have the problem. Irresponsible communication means that I act as if you have the problem. If I am upset, no matter what anyone did, I am the one with the problem.

Perhaps the worst of our irresponsible communication is 3rd party conversation. We talk about people not present. Conversations about a youngster’s future used to be called parent teacher conferences. The person most responsible for how their lives turnout was not in the room. When young people who do not feel well about themselves hear adults talking about others behind their back, they assume we are doing the same to them. Is there anyone out there who really likes being talked about behind your back?

Third party conversation (gossip) does damage and the only reason people do it is to elevate themselves. The only reason anyone would want to elevate themselves is because they don’t feel good about themselves. Well people don’t damage others.

Carrying Excess Baggage

All of us have situations and circumstances that we cannot completely handle before we must be present somewhere else. You are on your way to work at school on Monday morning as a fifteen-year teaching veteran. Imagine that you have had a very difficult weekend with your spouse, one where you say, “Good Morning,” and they act as if you said, “Suck eggs!” You pick up your first piece of luggage.

You park your car and a snowplow crushes the side of the first new car you have had in ten years. You pick up the second bag.

You enter the building and your boss is waiting for you because you did not complete something she really needed on Friday. She is in a bad mood and you get chewed out.

You proceed down the hall to your classroom or workspace and say, “Good morning, folks, it’s really good to be here.” They don’t believe you. That is because we brought our baggage with us. They can sense that we are not really present.

Now imagine asking yourself the following questions; the baggage may be parkable, to be dealt with later. Is there anything I can do about my relationship at 7 A.M on Monday morning? Probably not. Knowing that I’ll want to get back to it later, can we leave the relationship at home for the time being? Let’s assume the answer is yes. Occasionally it may be no and we’ll get to that in a minute. After calling the wrecker, the police and the insurance company, is there anything to be done about the car now? Not really. Can we leave the car at the garage? Assume yes. We screwed up and did not complete a piece of work. It can’t be done now; can we leave it alone until later? Assume yes.

If we can do this, we can remind ourselves of the purpose of school (to assist young people in creating meaningful, productive, contributory, joyous lives and have the tools necessary to do so) and get truly focused. We are far more likely to be present. On those occasions when there are things we cannot let go of, if we acknowledge that, others will be mindful of what is going on with us and we can explain how the process with baggage works.

None Listening

We have become so self-absorbed that we rarely listen to others. When others speak, we think about what to say next, a quick response or clever answer. If we’re doing all of that it is highly unlikely that we’ve heard much of what anyone else was saying. We have even become proud of being able to “multi-task.” Whenever we are speaking with people, the only way we can listen 100% is give them every bit of our attention.

And now a little test…

Now it is time for a little reality check. Given what you have read, read the following definitions, based on this material. See how you react to the definitions and imagine telling every person you know what you have discovered. Now imagine why self-care might be profoundly important.

Ownership

What you want everyone in your organization to develop. The only way that will happen is for you to tell the truth, encourage others to do the same and reward honesty. Additionally, if this is a corporation, develop a plan for profit sharing that is real substantive and generous.

Responsibility

Everyone is completely responsible. Not to be confused with blame, fault or shame. If there is trash on the floor, pick it up. Leave every environment in better shape than you found it. If someone suggests something underhanded or unethical, confront them directly or offer to discuss the situation with your(their) supervisor.

Rudeness

An indication of unwellness. Individuals who demonstrate this behavior are not well and are not good long-term employee prospects. Often in need of clinical support for damage done to them earlier in life.

Arrogance

The need to feel superior to someone else driven by fear or insecurity. Sign of unwellness. Well people don’t need to act superior to anyone.

Respect

What everyone should receive around you and your work environment. You have more to learn from every person than you will ever know. Seek that knowledge in every interaction with everyone.

Gossip (3rd Party Conversations)

Talking about somebody behind their back in order to look good, be right or feel superior, does not belong in healthy environments. Refuse to participate in it. Tell people to talk to the person they are talking about or forget it.

Help

Condescending or paternalistic support offered with good intentions. Based on the notion that you have something the other person needs. Not useful to most people other than those who want to be dependent on others for their well-being.

Assistance

Support of every kind offered in the knowledge that the individual to whom it is offered is powerful, capable and able. Useful to most people at some point in their lives.

Differently-able

What each of us are. Some have two legs, some none. Some can see with their eyes, others differently.

Handicapped

Archaic. Misunderstood to be a limiting factor in human behavior. Now understood to indicate that each person is differently-able.

Ability

The capacity we have to access our differing resources. Determined by the drive, will, determination, courage and tenacity we develop as opposed to the circumstances dictating access.

Boredom

A way of being developed at an early age that attempts to justify not being interested in anything in life. Boredom is created. If you can create boredom, you can create anything.

Accident

Highly unusual occurrence. As a result of natural causes beyond our control. (Tree limb falling for no apparent reason.) Often confused with incidents arising from unconscious behavior (i.e. unintentionally knocking over a glass).

Acknowledgment

The opportunity to thank, praise or in some other way honor those that have contributed to your ability to achieve anything. Each opportunity taken to acknowledge someone, no matter how small, contributes to the workability of the planet.

Self-made Person

Those with either no memory or completely self-deluded. In either case profoundly unwell. Each day thousands of people contribute to our ability to function effectively in the world.

Envy

One of the myriad of things we do when we forget who we are. Reflects lack of understanding of the capacities that reside in all of us, without exception. Also may indicate misunderstanding of the essence of happiness.

Happiness

A self-generated state of well-being dependent on the individual rather than external circumstances. A mental muscle that can be strengthened by care of oneself and reflections upon the magical nature of the universe (i.e. meditation, nature walks, gardening, astronomy, any physical activity).

Advice

The preposterous notion that one person knows what is right or best for another. Dangerous if given or taken from a single source. Useful to collect in groups, prior to making a personal decision.

Heroism

A portion of which is within each of us. The spectacular production of seemingly super-human results in the face of crisis or overwhelming need. Accessible to all.

Amoeba

Depending on your beliefs, experience or points of view, your great grandfather and great grandmother (nth degree).

Adam and Eve

Depending on your beliefs, experience or points of view, your great grandfather and great grandmother (nth degree).

Anorexia

One of a multiplicity of ways involving food or alcohol to kill oneself. Characterized by obsession with weight loss contributed to by distorted notions of what is or is not attractive.

Creative

The ability to think about things newly. Often confused with practice and/or proficiency in art, music, drama, dance or any other artistic expression.

Aspire

The natural desire of nurtured people to contribute, achieve and/or produce.

Balance, Equanimity

A desired state. The ability to maintain and nurture a dynamic process of self-care, a rich personal and/or family life and a productive career or calling.

May all good things be yours!

With all my love and every blessing!

Namaste!

Bill