by Bill Cumming
The act of “forgiving” someone implies that they have done something bad and that it had to do with us. There are actually two inaccuracies with that supposition. The only reason people do things that damage others is because either at that moment or in general they have no experience of being loved and/or they believe they have no value. One or both of these conditions can easily lead to self destructive or abusive behavior. Well people generally do not damage themselves or others.
If I feel the need to “forgive” the actions of another, it means that I think that person did something to me. I have already judged, evaluated and sentenced them to at least purgatory for their actions. Additionally, I have personalized the damage as if it was specifically aimed at me. Don Miguel Ruiz points out that even if someone takes a gun and shoots you in the head, it has nothing to do with you. It has to do with the mental condition of the shooter. The only reason a person would do such a thing is because of their own lack of groundedness within their own worth.
War not withstanding, when people do damage and it does bump us (or much worse) all the time, we need to recognize that our job is to love them without condition. When members of the KKK (Klu Klux Klan) ran Alice Boothby of the highway as she traveled to her classes at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill in the summer of 1964, I was really angry. In a hastily called faculty meeting at one point I said, “I hate bigots.” And Albert Boothby wheeled around toward me and said, “that would make you the problem. We must learn to love the bigot and hate the actions.”
In order to be well people do not needed to be “needed” or the equivalent of “you fill up my senses” or “you make me whole.” Those phrases describe the kind of superficial love of our modern culture. What we do need to have is the experience of being loved without condition and that our value and worth in the world are a given. The person who cleans your street or removes your trash is as important, valuable and worthy as any other person. You can always tell that a person is insecure if they talk down to or belittle others.
Once you experience these magnificent feelings, you are complete in and of yourself. You may choose a partner and you would never expect them to make you happy. You are not affected by the actions of others except to note if they reflect the experience of being loved and valued or not. The concept of people being “good” or “bad” will disappear from your thinking and you will simply be able to observe mental states. Apologies and forgiveness will be unnecessary. Grace, compassion and understanding will take their places.
