This week a wonderful woman named Sophie Chiche asked me to write 400 words on what I would say to the world if I had the chance. I did and Sophie accepted it for a book to be published soon which I think will be very interesting. It includes others you may know a bit better than me.

There are two things that make up the essence of most of my communication and my life: loving people and allowing them to know that they are powerful enough in any moment to take charge of their lives. It is my experience that once people know that they are truly loved and that their worth and value are a given, that they begin to be good to themselves and others naturally. If you are reading this it means that at least one person loves you, whether I have met you or not!

I discovered the power of loving-kindness bass-ackwards as I was trying to understand where violence came from in our society. Upon the rape of one of my children, my immediate response was to want to kill. (This beautiful child, now forty, is well and a continuing inspiration to me.) The irony of wanting to solve damage with damage hit me immediately. As I searched for understanding, I met a man damaged in youth, who admitted to me in the maximum-security prison in Somers, CT that he had killed and raped. He also, at the end of a very long day, told me that he was sorry that my daughter had been raped. I am the recipient of loving-kindness from a person who has done great damage and regardless of any good I might have done, I am capable of great violence. The capacity for everything is within each of us.

If you use the Judeo-Christian story of creation, God created the earth and then Adam and Eve. And we each are related to those who come from a single cell at creation from them. Using Darwin, back through humans, mammals, birds and reptiles we come to the single celled amoeba. We are related and share our capacities with the whole human race. The question is what will I water today?

LOVE

Each day I begin with reminding myself that we are living in a miracle. This day is precious. I am alive and breathing. Everything is interconnected. Everything we do makes a difference; the only question is will it be a positive one or a negative one. The only thing I control is me, so how do I choose to be today? I choose to be about loving-kindness today. And if I forget that this is a miracle, I take a step back, breathe and begin to love again.

Bill Cumming is Director of The Boothby Institute and supports individuals, children and teachers in schools, prisoners, YMCA and corporate staff in discovering the power of loving-kindness and the choice that resides within.

Two Critically Important Books:
REAL LOVE and REAL LOVE in PARENTING
Author: Greg Baer, M.D.

By: Bill Cumming

It astounds me how many things we miss. Greg Baer wrote and published Real Love in 2004. I only discovered it in January. His writings are some of the most important in the history of human kind. Pretty strong statement and it is my experience.

“That ingredient – the one thing that creates happiness and fulfilling relationships – is Real Love, unconditional love. It’s that simple. When we learn what Real Love is, and when we find it, our unhappiness disappears just as surely as hunger vanishes in the presence of food. Loving relationships then become natural and effortless. But most of us have not experienced Real Love. As a result, we’re emotionally and spiritually starving and unable to make each other happy, no matter how hard we try.

Real Love is caring about the happiness of another person without any thought for what we might get for ourselves. When we give Real Love, we’re not disappointed, hurt, or angry, even when people are thoughtless or inconsiderate or give us nothing in return – including gratitude – because our concern is for their happiness, not our own. Real Love is unconditional.” Greg Baer in Real Love

Of course in order to be able to give Real Love, you must experience it and perhaps more importantly be able to create your own happiness and well-being. Sounds almost impossible until we realize we all have the capacity for these actions within us.
About seven years ago, Kelly Williams and I wrote a book entitled “Absolutely and Unconditionally.” In the process of creating drafts for that book we created two messages we thought were critical for all children to have, one for the very young, one for pre-teens:

Love and Power, Message One
(before the age of reading)

The person reading this book to you loves you absolutely!

That’s AB SO LUTE LY!

It means completely!

(Picture of empty circle.)

This circle is completely empty

(Picture of circle, filled)

This circle is completely full.

Totally!

To be loved completely is like being warmed by your favorite blanket.

(Picture of child cuddling with blanket)

Being loved AB SO LUTE LY means no exceptions.

It will never stop!

You can’t do anything to mess it up!

YOU ARE LOVED!

Do you know that I love you?

(Wait for answer. If yes: Wonderful, I do love you AB SO LUTE LY. If no: Well, I do love you AB SO LUTE LY!)
I also know that you are really powerful.

That’s POW ER FUL!
(You have a great deal of strength)

Capable!

Able!

Capable of making choices!

Able to create a magical life!

Capable of being very happy!

Capable means that you came equipped with it.

Able means you have the power to use it.

Make yourself a magical life!

Love and Power, Message Two
(Middle School)

The person who gave you this book loves you absolutely!

Yuck. What do you mean loves me absolutely?

The person who gave you this book values you, honors you, holds you in high esteem.

What’s esteem?

It’s the way you think about yourself.

They think you’re wonderful.

They also know you’re not perfect?

What do you mean I’m not perfect?

Just kidding, I know I’m not perfect.

You mean they know I’m not perfect and they love me anyway.
That’s the idea. Yep.

It is my experience that it is imperative that all children come to know these things.

The message is simple and most people have no experience of it. We have been saying for thirty years that all damage comes from people not knowing they are loved absolutely and unconditionally. Greg Baer adds his voice in a powerful way.

From REAL LOVE:

“With Real Love, nothing else matters; without it, nothing else is enough.”

“In addition, when we know that even one person loves us unconditionally, we feel a connection to everyone else.”

“If you are feeling disappointed or angry with your partner, it’s a sure sign you’re not unconditionally loving him or her.”

“Other people hurt us only because they’re reacting badly to the pain of feeling unloved and alone.”

“Anger and punishment do not make people happier.”

“Until a child – or an adult – is utterly convinced that he or she is loved unconditionally, even a small amount of doubt or fear is sufficient to destroy the effect of many moments of acceptance and safety.”

“The Law of Expectations: We never have the right to expect that another person will do anything for us. Expectations lead to disappointment, anger, and unhappiness in relationships.”

From REAL LOVE IN PARENTING:

“During the moments we experience disappointment and anger, we establish without doubt that we are loving our children conditionally.

THE NINE PRINCIPLES OF EFFECTIVE PARENTING

The First Principle
More than anything else, my child needs to feel loved.

The Second Principle
When my child behaves badly, he or she doesn’t feel loved.

The Third Principle
When I’m angry, I’m wrong.

The Fourth Principle
I can’t give what I don’t have:
I must find Real Love for myself.

The Fifth Principle
My child needs to be loved and taught.

Sixth Principle
After my child has been loved and taught,
he or she needs to be loved and taught again.

The Seventh Principle
The Law of Choice. (There always is one.)

The Eight Principle
Happiness comes from being loved.

The Ninth Principle
Happiness comes from being responsible.”

There are only two areas where I have any issue at all. It is my experience that happiness still must be created or chosen even if one is loved absolutely. The other is connected with Dr. Baer’s notion that people can consciously choose not to carry their share of responsibility.

“Many of us live with partners who really choose to not carry their share of the load in the relationship.”

It is my experience that when people know they are loved absolutely and unconditionally and thus have a true sense of their own self worth, people choose to contribute naturally. People are always doing their best and if they experienced that that were loved and valued they would be contributing.

These books are a must read for the sake of ourselves, our children and indeed the world.